What Dreams May Come..I had the weirdest dream the other day. So weird that I did something I usually don't with my dreams. I wrote it down before the memory faded.
Watch this space...
Speaking of space, I've decided that I will write my dissertation on space and place in Japanese Buddhist philosophy. I like it, my advisor likes it, and it sounds sexy. To me at least.. :-)
I know I announced that I had returned from my silence, but I was stumped for something to write about. I think my next series of posts will be modelled on the Diamond and Womb Mandalas of my main man???, also known as Kukai, aka Kobo Daishi.
I have recently become enamoured with esoteric Buddhism, for reasons entirely unclear to even myself. It is almost reminiscent of the manner in which I was drawn to philosophy in the first place. So here goes my attempt at a mandalic blog series modelled on the Womb Mandala (Skt., Garbadhatu, Japn., Taizo-kai)
Meditation on the letter A
The Letter A is the mother of all mantras, and the source of all language, and is the seed mantra (bija) of Mahavairocana "If one sees the ultimate state of original non-birth, this is equivalent to knowing one's mind as it really is, and knowing one's mind as it really is corresponds to the wisdom of an omniscient one" (Kukai,
Ungi gi)
Kukai loves the Sanskrit letter A because this letter is inherent in all language. When you write Sanskrit (the script older than
Devanagari), the letter A is literally encapsulated in every word. If you don't add a modifier to the written word, the letter A is pronounced first. This makes for a perfect symmetry for Kukai, as A is the statement of the fundamentally enlightened character of the universe.
Where does the source of my spring lie? What lies at the core of who I am? What is my letter A? I found myself thinking about this last night as I realized that after nearly 3 years in Ohio, I can count the number of my friends on one hand (boyfriend included!).
Does something lie in the core of who I am that makes me "friendless"? Or maybe it's a manifestation of my inner misanthrope - while I do enjoy the company of people I like, I am not hesitant to express my distaste for the "masses". There's something about a seething throng of people moving aimlessly about, nattering inanely about this and that, and
getting in my way that makes me want to smack them in the mouth. Not very Buddhist of me.
People must be able to pick up on that. Maybe that's why I can't hold on to the friends that I do make, and have made. I'm a loner at heart, I feel. Nothing gives me greater satisfaction than a fine sunny day, spent with a good book and the windows open to let in a lavender breeze. Hmm, that reminds me, I should buy some seeds to plant.
Whatever the case, I do keep returning to this question of who and why I am...Don't we all? Maybe I just have a deep-seated fear of rejection, or a streak of selfishness that makes me disinclined to share myself truly with others. In part that's because I don't think people
really get me - and by that I just mean they don't really understand the way I think. To do that, they would have to share the same context for my thoughts, and I don't know how to communicate that.
I mean, how do you communicate the feeling of Nyeri sunshine on a 16 year old's skin as he stands outside the library at his school, watching his first crush walk down the hill in his finest grey trousers? I find some memories too precious to share with someone who may just say, "Uh huh, yeah" or "Wow" or "Mmmm." I would need to know that they are feeling exactly what I am remembering feeling or else my memories would be tarnished. That's what frustrates me about telling my bf stories that I think are funny. He just doesn't get them. Makes me go back and repeat the setup, explain the punchline, and then just goes "Mmmm" or which is worse, doesn't laugh!
Most of the time he takes it seriously, like when I joke about back pain, or my asthma, he starts saying I should see a doctor. If I wanted to be serious, I wouldn't have told a joke! So I don't tell him my funny stories, I save them for people who will laugh. Is that mean of me? Probably. I just couldn't go on telling jokes that fall flat like that. I can't tell him he's supposed to laugh, he's just supposed to, it's funny dammit!
And so I remain silent and cradle my wellspring.
Mudra: Wisdom Fist
My
doubly double WM has prodded me into coming back to posting.
I had taken time off to finish up my thesis about the esoteric tradition of "becoming a buddha in this body" [sokushin jobutsu, for those in the know] in the thought of Dogen and Kukai. Its completion was long overdue, and I took all of the Xmas break to recuperate.
So what's happened since I've been gone? I've been taking classes, teaching, and cursing this strange winter we've been having. First it teases you with warm spring like weather, then February hits you like a spitball down the neck. Yeccchh.
